Great teachers don't have to be many years removed from high school. We have learned this from Lleyton's favorite teacher, Miss Katie. Miss Katie is leaving the daycare center that Lleyton and Parker attend, en route for college. She will be greatly missed. Lleyton simply adores her, and for that, we think the world of her. She is just a couple months past her high school graduation, but that hasn't affected her ability to work with Lleyton and aid in his tremendous growth in the last 6 months.
Best of luck to Miss Katie, we are positive that she will succeed no matter what field she chooses to enter.
Onto Parker. We have been riding a wave of great behavior over the last couple of days. He had a rough day on Tuesday at daycare, so I went and picked him up early and took him home and was going to take him straight to his room and talk to him about his behavior. But, as has happened a couple of other times after misbehaving at daycare, by the time I arrived home with him, he was fast asleep in the car and slept through the night (not in the car of course). I suppose he just wears himself out when he is misbehaving at school and he is exhausted by the time I get him home.
Well, since that day, he has been perfect. Have we turned a corner and are our problems behind us, no, but I just had to acknowledge my little man's wonderful behavior over the past couple of days. I often write about our struggles, so I wanted to also write about our successes. My fingers are crossed that he is enjoying all of the positive attention he is getting from behaving so well.
School starts next Wednesday. It is a little difficult to grasp that this is the last weekend of Sara and I's lives for approximately the next 18 years at least, that we won't have a child that is in school.
Showing posts with label Parker struggles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parker struggles. Show all posts
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Perspective
As our challenging times with Parker persist (although not as frequent as they had been), sometimes I have to slow down and think about how far our little guy has come in the couple of months since arriving home with us, and reflect on the change he has endured just over the last 4 months since moving from Kamashi to Addis to America.
Allow me to illustrate.
These are pictures from in and around Kamashi, where Parker grew up. (Thanks to Amy for taking these pictures for us during her trip to Kamashi)
This is a picture from inside of the orphanage that Parker moved into after we committed to welcoming him into our family.
Parker grabbing a front row seat to take in a soccer match between the older boys at the orphanage.
This is injera, which is a daily staple in the diets of Ethiopians. When I asked our driver in Ethiopia how often he eats injera, he said twice a day. The injera is actually the stuff that kind of resembles a dirty rag. The food in the bowl is what they accompany with the injera.
These images clearly depict the start contrast between his living conditions while in Kamashi and his living conditions now.
Although, in my opinion, the conditions are much better now, I am sure it remains a very tough adjustment considering all he ever knew is pictured above.
It is very interesting and exciting watching him grow more confident and comfortable right before our eyes. His grasp of the English language is coming right along too. We are so eager to hear from him about his life and experiences in Ethiopia.
When I asked him the other day if he had any brothers or sisters in Ethiopia, he told us he had an older brother named Abdi (but I think he may have misunderstood the question). But either way, it will be so helpful and intriguing to get to know him that much better after we break down that ever present language barrier.
Allow me to illustrate.
These are pictures from in and around Kamashi, where Parker grew up. (Thanks to Amy for taking these pictures for us during her trip to Kamashi)
This is a picture from inside of the orphanage that Parker moved into after we committed to welcoming him into our family.
Parker grabbing a front row seat to take in a soccer match between the older boys at the orphanage.
This is injera, which is a daily staple in the diets of Ethiopians. When I asked our driver in Ethiopia how often he eats injera, he said twice a day. The injera is actually the stuff that kind of resembles a dirty rag. The food in the bowl is what they accompany with the injera.
These images clearly depict the start contrast between his living conditions while in Kamashi and his living conditions now.
Although, in my opinion, the conditions are much better now, I am sure it remains a very tough adjustment considering all he ever knew is pictured above.
It is very interesting and exciting watching him grow more confident and comfortable right before our eyes. His grasp of the English language is coming right along too. We are so eager to hear from him about his life and experiences in Ethiopia.
When I asked him the other day if he had any brothers or sisters in Ethiopia, he told us he had an older brother named Abdi (but I think he may have misunderstood the question). But either way, it will be so helpful and intriguing to get to know him that much better after we break down that ever present language barrier.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Facilitating adjustment and attachment
Throughout the last 6 weeks we have learned more than we ever thought we would have to about how to best deal with a child that is exhibiting attachment issues. We have really leaned on a couple of very nice experts and they have come through each time for us. We also really appreciate one of Sara's friends and blog reader for her advice as well, it has worked quite well too. Thanks Kate!
Here's a taste of a few of the things that we have implemented or tried with Parker:
- Daily events poster: This is poster that Sara put together that shows Parker, through pictures, what each of his weekdays is going to be like. We go through it each evening prior to bed and when he wakes up in the morning.
- 4 STARS equals a prize: Each evening that Parker goes to bed without fighting us, he gets a star. Each morning that he gets up and brushes his teeth and gets dressed without fighting us, he gets a star. Each time he reaches 4 stars in his STAR JAR he gets a prize. We just implemented this one, but he is loving it thus far. If only we can keep this up, because bedtime has continued to be our most challenging time of any day, and that is putting it lightly.
- Weekly calendar: This is poster that Sara again has put together that shows Parker what is on tap for each day of the week. According to the experts, getting him comfortable with each days activities is key, but it would also be very beneficial for him to start thinking into the future, be it only a week into the future. This could facilitate him not worrying as much about whether we are going to pick him up from school, or worrying about us not being there for him when he wakes up in the morning. This also seems to be going quite well.
- Time-ins: This is the tough one. When we made our first call to our social worker shortly after we arrived home from Ethiopia, our discussion was basically based around how to properly discipline him when he is acting up. The school of thought for most children is to put them into a timeout when they misbehave. That school may not be appropriate for children like Parker. The opposite mode of discipline has proven more effective, the time-in. We go through days where we have 3 or 4 time-ins with him and each is not any more fun than the previous. In a nutshell, a time-in is when we instead of sitting him in a chair or putting him in his room by himself, we hold him and talk with him until he settles down and seems to understand what he did wrong and how to handle himself moving forward. This can be difficult b/c needless to say, he doesn't enjoy time-ins. He will scratch, and bite, and kick, and hit sometimes just trying to get us away from him, but we have to simply ignore that and finally, after a period of time, he does settle down. I don't know if I described that very well, but it has been effective, although no fun at all.
It is interesting and, frankly, comforting, reading other families blogs who seem to be dealing with circumstances not unlike ours. In the midst of one of Parker's episodes, one can feel quite helpless and alone, but once those feelings pass and the feelings of what am I doing wrong, or what can I do better subside, relaxing and reading about how others have handled similar situations is invaluable.
In an effort to be as honest and forthright as possible for those that might be reading that are experiencing the same thing, there will be feelings of "what have we done?", "How can we get through this?", "Did we make a mistake?", but I must say that having had feelings like that makes every little instance of your child acting the way you have taught them, or changing his/her behavior for the better, or simply smiling at you and telling you that he/she loves you are some of the most rewarding moments you can have.
We are far from in the clear when it comes to issues with Parker's behavior, but I do think it is getting better thanks to the ideas I wrote about above. Now we are hoping that as we continue to work with Parker each day, he will become more and more comfortable with us and his moments of discontent will slowly decline to a more manageable number.
Who am I kidding? I hope they go away completely, but I am also more realistic than maybe I used to be.
Here's a taste of a few of the things that we have implemented or tried with Parker:
- Daily events poster: This is poster that Sara put together that shows Parker, through pictures, what each of his weekdays is going to be like. We go through it each evening prior to bed and when he wakes up in the morning.
- 4 STARS equals a prize: Each evening that Parker goes to bed without fighting us, he gets a star. Each morning that he gets up and brushes his teeth and gets dressed without fighting us, he gets a star. Each time he reaches 4 stars in his STAR JAR he gets a prize. We just implemented this one, but he is loving it thus far. If only we can keep this up, because bedtime has continued to be our most challenging time of any day, and that is putting it lightly.
- Weekly calendar: This is poster that Sara again has put together that shows Parker what is on tap for each day of the week. According to the experts, getting him comfortable with each days activities is key, but it would also be very beneficial for him to start thinking into the future, be it only a week into the future. This could facilitate him not worrying as much about whether we are going to pick him up from school, or worrying about us not being there for him when he wakes up in the morning. This also seems to be going quite well.
- Time-ins: This is the tough one. When we made our first call to our social worker shortly after we arrived home from Ethiopia, our discussion was basically based around how to properly discipline him when he is acting up. The school of thought for most children is to put them into a timeout when they misbehave. That school may not be appropriate for children like Parker. The opposite mode of discipline has proven more effective, the time-in. We go through days where we have 3 or 4 time-ins with him and each is not any more fun than the previous. In a nutshell, a time-in is when we instead of sitting him in a chair or putting him in his room by himself, we hold him and talk with him until he settles down and seems to understand what he did wrong and how to handle himself moving forward. This can be difficult b/c needless to say, he doesn't enjoy time-ins. He will scratch, and bite, and kick, and hit sometimes just trying to get us away from him, but we have to simply ignore that and finally, after a period of time, he does settle down. I don't know if I described that very well, but it has been effective, although no fun at all.
It is interesting and, frankly, comforting, reading other families blogs who seem to be dealing with circumstances not unlike ours. In the midst of one of Parker's episodes, one can feel quite helpless and alone, but once those feelings pass and the feelings of what am I doing wrong, or what can I do better subside, relaxing and reading about how others have handled similar situations is invaluable.
In an effort to be as honest and forthright as possible for those that might be reading that are experiencing the same thing, there will be feelings of "what have we done?", "How can we get through this?", "Did we make a mistake?", but I must say that having had feelings like that makes every little instance of your child acting the way you have taught them, or changing his/her behavior for the better, or simply smiling at you and telling you that he/she loves you are some of the most rewarding moments you can have.
We are far from in the clear when it comes to issues with Parker's behavior, but I do think it is getting better thanks to the ideas I wrote about above. Now we are hoping that as we continue to work with Parker each day, he will become more and more comfortable with us and his moments of discontent will slowly decline to a more manageable number.
Who am I kidding? I hope they go away completely, but I am also more realistic than maybe I used to be.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Coping with possible attachment issues
Bedtime has proven to be one of the most difficult times of our day. Parker usually throws what I would deem a monumental fit each night after we tell him it is time for bed. With that being that case, and us not having been able to find a way to settle him down at night, I put a call into our home study agency director this afternoon for some guidance. What a difference a little professional advice makes.
After I explained to her the challenges we have been facing on a daily basis, she quickly surmised that Parker is probably having some attachment and bonding issues. Sadly, Parker has certainly been through some very tough things in his short life. His having lost both of his parents and more recently having lost his aunt, who gave him up for adoption, is probably hindering his ability to fully attach and bond to Sara and I. Those attachment issues could very well be leading to our tough moments in the evening and in the mornings. The thought is that he is not sure that when when we put him to bed in the evening that we will be there when he wakes up, and he is not sure that when I drop him off to daycare in the morning, that we will be there to pick him up in the evening. It's sad, I know. We know we will never leave him and we will always be there for him, but he may not know that right now. I can't fault him for having those feelings.
One of the solutions she recommended was for each Sara and I to take a few minutes alone with him before bed and hold him and talk with him about our day and what we are going to do tomorrow. This will help him settle down a little bit and prepare him for what the next day holds. I hate to jinx it, but it worked like a charm this evening. He was a perfect angel when it came time for bed. I hope that it stays that way.
Another of her ideas was for either Sara or I to head to his daycare once or twice a week and have lunch with him. Great idea. I am quite excited about seeing him interact with all of his little friends at daycare. On the other days, we are going to start sending something special for him, so that he knows we are thinking of him during the day. Whether that be a special snack or a picture of us, or something else is yet to be determined, but however we can try to help facilitate his attachment we will do it.
After all, he is a great kid, and we don't want him to ever forget his life in Ethiopia, we just want him to realize that we are always going to be here for him.
Hopefully other promising experiences to come...
After I explained to her the challenges we have been facing on a daily basis, she quickly surmised that Parker is probably having some attachment and bonding issues. Sadly, Parker has certainly been through some very tough things in his short life. His having lost both of his parents and more recently having lost his aunt, who gave him up for adoption, is probably hindering his ability to fully attach and bond to Sara and I. Those attachment issues could very well be leading to our tough moments in the evening and in the mornings. The thought is that he is not sure that when when we put him to bed in the evening that we will be there when he wakes up, and he is not sure that when I drop him off to daycare in the morning, that we will be there to pick him up in the evening. It's sad, I know. We know we will never leave him and we will always be there for him, but he may not know that right now. I can't fault him for having those feelings.
One of the solutions she recommended was for each Sara and I to take a few minutes alone with him before bed and hold him and talk with him about our day and what we are going to do tomorrow. This will help him settle down a little bit and prepare him for what the next day holds. I hate to jinx it, but it worked like a charm this evening. He was a perfect angel when it came time for bed. I hope that it stays that way.
Another of her ideas was for either Sara or I to head to his daycare once or twice a week and have lunch with him. Great idea. I am quite excited about seeing him interact with all of his little friends at daycare. On the other days, we are going to start sending something special for him, so that he knows we are thinking of him during the day. Whether that be a special snack or a picture of us, or something else is yet to be determined, but however we can try to help facilitate his attachment we will do it.
After all, he is a great kid, and we don't want him to ever forget his life in Ethiopia, we just want him to realize that we are always going to be here for him.
Hopefully other promising experiences to come...
Coming to bookstore near you...
Parenting 101 By: Matt Ritzmann
Parenting a 5 year old adopted child with limited English is proving to be much harder than we had anticipated. We had read so many blogs and talked with many families about their experiences after adopting older children from Ethiopia and very few (1) mentioned anything about the difficulties that may come with this experience. With that, we kind of had this rosy picture in our heads of what it was going to be like.
Parker is a great kid. I believe he is just having as hard of a time adjusting as Sara and I are, probably harder. After all, he has lived the first 5 years of his life in a world completely and totally different than the world that he lives in now. I would pay to hear what he is thinking and feeling. The language barrier is, in my opinion, the biggest contributor to our difficulties. Parker is unable to speak to us and tell us what is bothering him, thus he turns to acting out, or going into a shell, or whining and crying. It breaks my heart not to be able to speak to him and understand exactly what he is feeling.
I could go on about the challenges that we have encountered over the first three weeks home, but we also have had many great times. Like yesterday after he visited the zoo with his daycare class. He was so anxious to tell Sara and I all about the animals that he saw, and he was even more excited to share with us all of his artwork that he has done during his first few days of daycare. Moments like those, and like when he and Lleyton ride their scooters in the evening and take baths together help us put the difficult moments into perspective. I am certain that some of the challenges that we are facing are the same things that any other family with a 5 year old faces. Those same challenges are just compounded due to the language barrier and the adjustment that Parker is going through from living in Ethiopia to living in America.
I, in no way, want our difficulties to deter anyone from taking on the challenge of adopting older children, because there are millions of other Parkers out there in this world that need the love that families like ours can offer. I just want to make sure that those very families know that there will be challenges upon arriving home. We have found great comfort in being able to speak with our social worker and the director of our home study agency regarding our issues and how to best handle them. Their insight and advice has helped us effectively deal with some of the poor behavior we have experienced.
We tried to prepare for how difficult this transition could be, but that is easier said than done. With time, I am confident our difficult moments will become less frequent. Until then, we are learning on the fly. Learning what he likes and dislikes, learning how he tests us, learning how to comfort him, learning how to discipline him. We are constantly learning. I wish we could simply consult a book that had all of the answers, but I know that doesn’t exist, so I am thinking that maybe my second career may quickly become being a writer and providing adoptive parents with answers to all of the questions we are coming up with each day. Maybe you will see it in bookstores near you soon.
Parenting a 5 year old adopted child with limited English is proving to be much harder than we had anticipated. We had read so many blogs and talked with many families about their experiences after adopting older children from Ethiopia and very few (1) mentioned anything about the difficulties that may come with this experience. With that, we kind of had this rosy picture in our heads of what it was going to be like.
Parker is a great kid. I believe he is just having as hard of a time adjusting as Sara and I are, probably harder. After all, he has lived the first 5 years of his life in a world completely and totally different than the world that he lives in now. I would pay to hear what he is thinking and feeling. The language barrier is, in my opinion, the biggest contributor to our difficulties. Parker is unable to speak to us and tell us what is bothering him, thus he turns to acting out, or going into a shell, or whining and crying. It breaks my heart not to be able to speak to him and understand exactly what he is feeling.
I could go on about the challenges that we have encountered over the first three weeks home, but we also have had many great times. Like yesterday after he visited the zoo with his daycare class. He was so anxious to tell Sara and I all about the animals that he saw, and he was even more excited to share with us all of his artwork that he has done during his first few days of daycare. Moments like those, and like when he and Lleyton ride their scooters in the evening and take baths together help us put the difficult moments into perspective. I am certain that some of the challenges that we are facing are the same things that any other family with a 5 year old faces. Those same challenges are just compounded due to the language barrier and the adjustment that Parker is going through from living in Ethiopia to living in America.
I, in no way, want our difficulties to deter anyone from taking on the challenge of adopting older children, because there are millions of other Parkers out there in this world that need the love that families like ours can offer. I just want to make sure that those very families know that there will be challenges upon arriving home. We have found great comfort in being able to speak with our social worker and the director of our home study agency regarding our issues and how to best handle them. Their insight and advice has helped us effectively deal with some of the poor behavior we have experienced.
We tried to prepare for how difficult this transition could be, but that is easier said than done. With time, I am confident our difficult moments will become less frequent. Until then, we are learning on the fly. Learning what he likes and dislikes, learning how he tests us, learning how to comfort him, learning how to discipline him. We are constantly learning. I wish we could simply consult a book that had all of the answers, but I know that doesn’t exist, so I am thinking that maybe my second career may quickly become being a writer and providing adoptive parents with answers to all of the questions we are coming up with each day. Maybe you will see it in bookstores near you soon.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Our new life...
Our lives are much different now that we have two little ones (one not-so-little) running around. With the tough times also comes many enjoyable times, like last night when Sara, her mom, Lleyton, Parker and myself joined my mom and dad for a boat ride on the lake. The boys love the lake!
Times like those make up for most of the very difficult times we have had in the last couple of weeks. I am hoping that once Parker picks up more english and once we get his teeth taken care of, then it will be much easier for him to get adjusted to this new life we have thrust him into. My expectation would be that after that happens, Sara and I will be able to then get adjusted ourselves. Until then, we will have some bumps in the road here and there, but we will also have plenty of moments like the ones pictured below.
The boys getting to know each other a bit in the airport after we arrived home from Ethiopia.
Bathtime always proves to be enjoyable for the two of them.
You needn't speak the same language to enjoy a slip-n-slide together.
Whether you are American, Ethiopian, Russian, or any other nationality, you are going to like cupcakes.
Times like those make up for most of the very difficult times we have had in the last couple of weeks. I am hoping that once Parker picks up more english and once we get his teeth taken care of, then it will be much easier for him to get adjusted to this new life we have thrust him into. My expectation would be that after that happens, Sara and I will be able to then get adjusted ourselves. Until then, we will have some bumps in the road here and there, but we will also have plenty of moments like the ones pictured below.
The boys getting to know each other a bit in the airport after we arrived home from Ethiopia.
Bathtime always proves to be enjoyable for the two of them.
You needn't speak the same language to enjoy a slip-n-slide together.
Whether you are American, Ethiopian, Russian, or any other nationality, you are going to like cupcakes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)